mom(ents)

mom.  moments.  mom{ents}.  i think i'm clever.

the night before her big surgery, i wanted to capture "her" before.  think of it like you would a maternity session.  only, i wasn't capturing a belly.  hey - you never know if you'd want pictures of what you looked like before!  so, just in case, she has these to reflect on.  sure, it's just for her scrapbook, but sometimes, that's all that matters.  if it's important to you, it's important to document.  and, we're visual people; it just made sense.

while i can't exactly show all the images, i can share some of the sweeter ones.  oh, and it's not just you - she IS glowing.

i'm thankful for mark, grabbing my camera.  i'll cherish these (and all the others) for the rest of my lifetime.

this is life.

my mom has CANCER.  my MOM has cancer.  MY mom has cancer?  MY MOM HAS CANCER!

a few days ago, she sent me a quick text:  You busy?  i was just about to drift off to dreamland, but i'm never too busy to chat with her.  when i answered her phone call, the lady on the other end stated simply, well, shit.  i have cancer.  and, in perfect {my} mom-fashion, i'm thinking, you were asking if i was too busy to hear your biopsy news?  that you have cancer?  i don't know how long it took me to respond, but i do remember wanting to laugh at her.  laugh.  you're joking, right?  c'mon, gramma d.  but, cancer it is.

at some point, i stopped worrying about responding and just focused on listening.  appointment, next week.  surgery, not until next month.  caught early.  possibility to spread.  finger-like in its ability to stretch and grow elsewhere.  will surgery grab it all?  likely chemo and or radiation.

and, while no two cancers and treatments are the same, i couldn't help but loop to my Grandmother's battle.  i just can't go there yet.

as we hung up the phone, i thought there was no way i could fall asleep after receiving such news.  but, before i knew it, tess was crying, and i was to my feet before i had opened my eyes.  then, my mother's words rang out again: i have cancer.  no way.  i just didn't believe it.  i thought maybe i had dreamed it - enough that i opened up my text from her and saw her simplistic You busy?  it was real.  this fog was so thick and so heavy.  the words kept ringing out, but the tears never came.  i went about my day, thinking of my mother, walking around her new home, going about her day as if it were any other day.

but, this isn't just any other day.  this day, the 17th of july, will forever be marked in our family.  we met for dinner at nana lynn's new place (yes, she's finally moved in!) and had the first of many joint dinners to be had.  after the plates were empty and the boys had retreated to comfier seats, lynn emerged with a pink fleece blanket.  specifically, one with certain pink ribbons.  my mom and lynn had a moment, but the entire night, that was the only mention of the reality of her new life.

the next morning, the tears came.  i woke up crying.  ben left later than usual, only to return soon after with a steaming latte for me.  more tears.  he hugged me, and sweetly said, we'll get through this.  still tears.  talking with my mother soon after, we both had tears saturating our conversation.  and naturally, right now.

how can this be real?

i can't stop thinking of that blanket.  my mother is now in that club - that pink ribbon club.  i mean, it's not easy to say those ribbons haven't affected you on some level... don't you know a lady to have battled breast cancer before?  {ugh, i said it.  breast.  cancer.  breast cancer!}  we probably all do.  but on this level, this close?  lynn is a survivor, but i didn't know her back then.  so oddly enough, it hasn't impacted me like it does now.  does that make sense without sounding insensitive?  i'm struggling with my clarity.  i was hoping that by putting my thoughts to the keys, i'd make sense and process this information, but i'm feeling like i'm paddling with one oar; around and around, going nowhere.

send my mother a prayer, a positive vibe, a hopeful wish - whatever you do when you feel weak and need some strength.  maybe add me, as well.

father's day hike

the butte.  one of our favorite hikes.  it's relatively close, it doesn't take us that long, and it's exciting to see the kiddos climb faster and more swiftly with each visit.  dylan was the shining star of this trip.  she needed zero help and complained zero minutes!  we actually had to yell to her to slow down and wait for us.  that girl is going to be climbing the wrangells with benji, scoping out sheep on the mountain tops.  

ugh.  are you sick of the blue skies yet?  i know, me neither.

and, they're off!

 she's always been dada's girl

 no help needed!

 what the kiddos navigated themselves

benji's pointing to them, waaay ahead of us

 made it, dada - high five!

 opening cards & gifts

 one of the best fathers i know

the kids have discovered the best part of hiking: running down the mountain!

summer guests

ugh.  summer is flying by, faster than usual.  likely because it's been so wonderful, and we've been graced with so many out of town guests.  how lucky are we to have so many kind and generous humans visit this little family?  super lucky and super blessed!

the first of our visitors was my cousin sammi.  she came for a long weekend at the end of may, and wouldn't you know it - i didn't pick up my camera once.  gah!  i had to copy these cute ones from Facebook!  thank you, sammi, for traveling all the way from cali (on some extra-long flights and layovers!), holding baby tess and playing with the big kids!  come back soon - and next time, bring the whole fam!

hatcher pass

(yep, this is may - a winter wonderland!}

about a week later, the jenkins' came to town.  for them (and us) it's like a homecoming.  i know they miss alaska, likely about as much as i miss them.  their visits are never long enough; there's always tears at some point, but always lots and lots of hugs.  we are so thankful for any time spent with you two.  i cherish every ounce!  we love and miss you dearly.

auntie connie

uncle jeff & the fuss bucket

 duey & "uncle" connie

and, about two weeks after the jenkins' left, my gf from minnesota came to visit!  whatta treat!  we've known each other since elementary school, were close through high school and have managed to keep in touch despite the distance between us.  i've found, there's nothing that compares to friends that have known you since you had baby teeth.  true friends.
  

flattop!

{photo courtesy of jackie b.}

 erica got her baby fix with snoozing baby tess.

8 weeks.

baby tess is 8 weeks today!  the good news is that everyone was right - she just needed time.  but oh, aren't we so used to getting what we want, when we want it?!  our society sets us up for failure from the get-go.  in so many ways, i had all the tools at my disposal but none of them were the right fit for her.  (and in actuality, nothing was.)

the hardest aspect of this entire baby number three experience is being unable to soothe and comfort my own child.  this is round 3 for me.  i should know what i'm doing.  i should be able to calm her down and figure out WTH she needs.  but.  you know how sometimes (and i'm speaking mostly to my female peeps) you just need a good cry?  somehow, that clears your mind?  well, obviously baby tess needs a good (ok, awful) cry every night.  hey, just go with me here...  i'm happy to announce that two outta three nights this week she has been calm and happy and cooing and smiling.  i kept waiting for the tears, and they never came!  i'm praying she's turning a corner.  that long, never-ending, winding, blind-where-you-can't-see-around, corner.  baby {tess} steps.

this is about THE best:  smiling.  isn't it what we just strive for, since they're born?  ohmygoodness.  those first big grins just about knock me off my feet.  she was smiling for gramma a few weeks ago, and she was smiling at my you-know-whats during feeding, but i had yet to see her smile, an intended-for-me smile.  THUD.  yep, that's me on the floor.

 oh fan, i wuv you.

 but alas, not all times are joyous...

last saturday was gorgeous.  we met up with friends for an early walk, as benji had to put in some hours at work.  although, that didn't stop us from playing outside ALL DAY.  the fun continued when dada returned home, as jb begged him to ride his four-wheeler.  he's getting a little too comfortable, these days.  but oh - it's so fun to watch him grow and learn and do his own thing.  i'm sure dylan would love the chance to zoom! around our island, but for now, she's limited to a different kind of four wheels...

one of the first pictures - since her birth - of me and my THREE children.  it's kinda hard to believe.  still.  even with tess and her very known presence, it's a little surreal to say i have all these kiddos constantly vying for my attention.  some days i feel like i'm barely staying afloat, but other days, like today - i'm blogging, i'm freshly showered, my hair is dried AND flat-ironed, i have a full tummy, and i'm hydrated!  what?!  life seems practically normal.  eeek!  did i just put that out there?!  they do say bad things come in three's:  we battled the stomach bug around week 4; week 7 was mastitis for mama, and now - what's next?!  c'mon, universe!  give it to me!

i know everyone looks at jb and sees a mini-ben, but let me just say that duey is very much ben's mini.  attitude, spunk, spirit, tenacity, wild-side, craziness... yep, she is ALL her dada's girl. 

sunday family dinner

at least once a month, ben's side of the family gets together for sunday dinner.  it's not always feasible for us to make every one, but when we do, we're grateful for our family time.

dylan LOVES ryan and mike.  

she always finds her way to their laps.

nana micki & cousin olivia, gazing at their baby josey

 livi feeding, dada mike the perfect resting place & snuggling with nana micki

baby tess gets love, too!

cousin kate, {great} grandma, auntie lory & nana lynn

we thought it was time to capture all the great grans together.  i didn't realize this would be such torture.  jb was clearly not up for the photo op...

 yep, over the top.

but with all of us, he started to come around...

 ...and the idea of funny faces was a hit...

...until he was done.

"here, take baby tess!"

these are the sort of pictures that we'll laugh (even harder) at in the future.

papa frank visits

my pop came to visit the big kids and meet baby tess.  jb was so excited for him to arrive, pestering me all day about when papa fwank get here?  so as soon as ben walked through the door, i pleaded with him to drive into anchorage, surprise him at the airport, and get jackie outta my hair for a bit!  well, surprise him they did!  jack hid behind a column, ran up behind him, then yanked on his pocket, giggling the entire time.  sure wish i could have witnessed! 

his visits are never long enough, but we always make the most of it.  come back soon, pop!

out for a sunday drive

on a gorgeous sunday morning, just a few days before tess' arrival, we loaded up the suv with kids, lovies, movies and the ever-coveted sippies & snacks.  benji and i grabbed lattes and homemade cinnamon rolls at our nearest coffee shop, and we blasted on up the parks highway.  my hope had been to head south, a day trip to seward to run around the sea life center, but my midwife had strong opinions:

like i said, we couldn't have planned our drive for a more beautiful day.  so it wasn't driving along turnagain arm, but we had a great view of mt. mckinley.

last family of 4 photo...