[update]

it pains me, practically daily, when another one passes that i don't have the time (or stamina) to sit down and spill my thoughts.  i know there's a few of you who read and enjoy my blog, but i have to selfishly say i mostly do this for me.  i don't always get a word in when i'm surrounded by my loving extroverts so i rely on the ol' trusty blog to help me work through my whirlwind of thoughts.

it's been weeks since my last post.  i don't need to apologize or say i've been busy.  that's a given.  actually, you'll never find me apologizing because the only person i'm hurting by the lack of posts is myself.

i have been increasingly busy, but what does that actually mean?  everyone is busy.  everyone is going.  work, school, partners, children times two and three, groceries, bills, vacations, hobbies - we're all filling our lives to the tippy-top with activities that keep us from any down time.

this past week, i finally finished sewing projects that i began this spring.  yep, nearly nine months ago.  instead of focusing on how long it took to complete, i'm focusing on the wonderful feeling of having a sparse sewing table - one that i can actually see the bare surface!

also this past month, i launched my super-official Facebook photography page.  i was dragging my feet because my webpage is not a-go, just yet, but i figured why not?!

i'm having a blast doing something just for me.  my first full day of shooting, i couldn't wipe the smile off my face.  i love capturing people and landscapes and all that falls between the two subjects.  check me out!  you don't have to have a Facebook page to view:

https://www.facebook.com/naturalphotographyak

i've gone on-location, visited lovely people in the hospital.  i've gone to homes and even - drumroll, please! - used my studio.  feels so surreal to finally have that space to myself.  i really could not be happier.  well, no - i could if i was shooting more - but there are not enough hours and days in the week!  dearest husband is still working 6 days a week and that leaves me one measly day.  you can imagine that he actually wants to see me too, not just the other half of me he sees in our children!

balance.

it's such an act, at times!

bless him and our children for allowing me to be me.  it's amazing how a few hours away give me the boost and recharge to be a better mama and wifey.  it doesn't take much.  it's funny though; i miss them like crazy when i see other people's tiny humans.  i giggle thinking, my dylan does that exact same nose wrinkle or oh, she's a little cranky like tess used to be.  tess.  tessie baby.

my chubby little sweet pea is approaching the 9-month birthday.  here, it crawled along those first few months, and now, it's just flying by.  she's so damn cute and squishy.  she's squeezing into 18-month clothes.  ugh, i hate to even write that!  her wrists barely push through the arm holes!  her cheeks are in the stretch mark zone, i'm sure.  she has 4 teeth, and she's crawling all over the place.  every day, the kids and i joke that we lose her in the house.  where my other two were like puppy dogs on my heels, she feels free to roam about.  and, she's fast!  just tonight, i was ducking in and out of rooms and hallways, trying to find her.  (i did.)  she eats everything and a lot of it, but i think that goes without saying…  she pulls herself up, stands at the sofa or against the mirror in her bedroom.  dare i say she'll be walking soon?

need for a transition?  i guess this is a lousy one, but -

we take the good with the bad.  always.  that's life.

my momma.  {i think it's no coincidence that i'm choosing tonight to catch up on my blog.}  she goes in for her final surgery in the morning.  reconstruction.  new boobies!  (she'll likely not appreciate that last remark, but hey, who doesn't like boobies?!)  love you, wittle momma.

she couldn't have had a better cancer experience, really.  her initial surgery was long but was a success. her labs came back clear or negative - or actually, POSITIVE! - because the surgeons removed all traces of nasty cells.  she didn't have to do radiation or chemo, and she even tested negative for the breast cancer gene.  truly, a miracle in my eyes!  i am so proud of her.  she was diligent with physical therapy.  i could see great physical changes that were making her happy, as well.  so, one more surgery, and we'll put this cancer behind us.

yes, we were blessed with tess anne, but other than that, i'm ready to say so long, farewell to 2013!

i found these sweet thangs, snoozing nose-to-nose in a very rare moment.  happened to have my camera at arms reach and was able to fire off a shot - waking him no-less, but anything for the perfect little keepsake.

mom(ents)

mom.  moments.  mom{ents}.  i think i'm clever.

the night before her big surgery, i wanted to capture "her" before.  think of it like you would a maternity session.  only, i wasn't capturing a belly.  hey - you never know if you'd want pictures of what you looked like before!  so, just in case, she has these to reflect on.  sure, it's just for her scrapbook, but sometimes, that's all that matters.  if it's important to you, it's important to document.  and, we're visual people; it just made sense.

while i can't exactly show all the images, i can share some of the sweeter ones.  oh, and it's not just you - she IS glowing.

i'm thankful for mark, grabbing my camera.  i'll cherish these (and all the others) for the rest of my lifetime.

surgery.

{started this post on thursday afternoon...}

i can't believe i'm saying this, but the surgery is OVER.  it seemed like it took forever to get here, and now, we're day 2 post-op.  whew!

l  o  n  g  yesterday.  gramma d had to be at the hospital by 6:30 am, so who knows what time they were out the door.  surgery didn't begin until after 12, when it was supposed to begin at 11...  surgeon #1 spent about 2 hours per breast, removing.  surgeon #2 took over after that, inserting the expanders that will stay in place until (likely) december.  saline will be pumped monthly (?) to slowly get to the size she desires.  another long process.  all in all, just over 6-hours, total surgery time.

last night, ben, jack, tess and i arrived at the hospital around 7 pm.  jb was very shy and cautious of his gramma, all hooked up, tubes everywhere, countless bracelets and bandages - but that was what we wanted - him to see gramma in a "fragile" state so he gets that he can't be super-wild-crazy jack when he's visiting over the next month.  anyway, tess almost made it to see gramma but conked out right as she was being wheeled into her room.

we didn't stay long; just enough to put my mind at ease, comfort mark (who had been alone at the hospital all day) and say good night, and of course, smooch my brave momma's face.

i posted the rainbow picture on facebook, but i had to share it here.  ben and jb were on a tour of gramma d's floor as we were waiting for her to be released from recovery.  they rushed back to the room to show us the beautiful gift from God.  whatta great sign after such a long day.      
 

the next morning, (thursday) after dropping jb off at school, dylan, tess and i drove in for a quick visit.  again, being out of touch, seeing her in person was the only way i could rest easy.  she looked so much better than the night before:  color was back to her face, not as groggy, voice not as raspy, hey - she was even sitting up!  dylan wasn't nearly as shy as jb, wanting to snuggle with gramma.

so, not only are we blessed having auntie connie here, but my big bro came to visit, too!  i don't know what i would do if the roles were reversed; i'm sorry for him being far away, but i'm thankful he was able to visit - even if it was just a blink of a trip!

do they look like father-daughter or what?!

thank you SO MUCH for all well wishes and prayers.  means a lot!

and sometimes life is REALLY hard.

invasive lobular carcinoma.  that's the kind of cancer that his rudely moved in on my mom's left side.  the audacity, really!  so, we've had some weeks of waiting, and oddly enough, it's been quietly in the back of my mind.  but, with surgery next week, i'm starting to feel the rise of panic in my chest.  sleepless nights.  staring into space.  even now, trying to rattle off the thoughts in my head have me at a loss for clarity.  life is hard; have i said that enough in 2013?!

we talk about this cancer shizz as if it's just every day news.  this is happening and then that, and we need to get such and such but not before blah happens.  then i fall into bed at night, and i can't believe this is actually our new reality.

surgery is scheduled for wednesday and should last 6-8 hours - that's a work day!  she'll stay the night in the hospital, and from there, it's couch city for about a month.  medicine pumps, dressings & drains, long snoozes, movies and gossip magazines, eating in bed, pedicures... i plan to pay her back for my bed rest stint!  ...hardly.

after the paragraphs above, i had to press save and put mac to sleep for a bit.  sitting here this morning, i'm grieving for a girlfriend that lost her brother AND her husband in a plane crash.  just last night.  in fact, while our family was together, laughing it up at the fair, making memories, she had likely heard that their plane was missing.  her loved ones inside.

names were released this morning.  my heart bends for her and her sweet little boy.  losing a sibling is unimaginable.  losing a spouse is something ben and i morbidly talk about often no, i wanna go first - no, i'm first! ok, fine, let's go at the same time.  but, our banter back and forth is said with smiles and long, dreamy gazes into each other's eyes.

i'm feeling huge amounts of sadness and pain for their families.  her brother was a new father, her husband, also a father and dearly loved son.  lynn is close friend's with his mother.  this just hits all sides.

so as we're preparing for my mother's surgery, it's just surgery.  she has cancer, but she's not gone.  kinda puts things in perspective.  i've been walking around in a daze, stunned that this surgery is upon us, and now, something really tragic is in front of us.

life is so unfair, at times.  this is why it's so important to be kind to each other.  favorite recent quote:

"let us be kind, one to another, for most of us are fighting a hard battle."   

- ian mclaren

sticks & stones

i've slowly started opening up to people: my mom has breast cancer.  every time those words leave my mouth, i'm stunned - just like those receiving my information.  i told a close friend today, and she had no words - just red-rimmed eyes that quickly filled with tears.  she's one of my closest friends, i've seen her every week since we all found out, and yet, i just couldn't tell her.  maybe i was afraid to hurt someone with these simple words.  and how ironic, we're brought up singing

sticks and stones may break my bones

but words will never hurt me

and now, that couldn't be further from the truth.  i want to be able to share, to have someone to lean on, but now i see how it pains people.  i can see myself relying more on these keys than the walking-talking.  for me, it's always been easier this way.

we know more but not much.  MRI last week.  her other side is now suspect and a second biopsy was done on monday morning.  awaiting results.  the weeks fill up with appointments and call-backs from doctor's offices.  my head is swimming and spinning.

this past weekend, i spoke to my oldest and dearest friend from my school days.  his mom battled and won, just a few years back.  he shared a quote that i'm sure will become my mantra through this journey

panic in sequential order    

right?!  every time my mind starts to race and worry and freak out about events that have yet to occur, i repeat this.  (usually followed by prayer!)  one day at a time.  maybe i should back it up to one hour at a time...

  

this is life.

my mom has CANCER.  my MOM has cancer.  MY mom has cancer?  MY MOM HAS CANCER!

a few days ago, she sent me a quick text:  You busy?  i was just about to drift off to dreamland, but i'm never too busy to chat with her.  when i answered her phone call, the lady on the other end stated simply, well, shit.  i have cancer.  and, in perfect {my} mom-fashion, i'm thinking, you were asking if i was too busy to hear your biopsy news?  that you have cancer?  i don't know how long it took me to respond, but i do remember wanting to laugh at her.  laugh.  you're joking, right?  c'mon, gramma d.  but, cancer it is.

at some point, i stopped worrying about responding and just focused on listening.  appointment, next week.  surgery, not until next month.  caught early.  possibility to spread.  finger-like in its ability to stretch and grow elsewhere.  will surgery grab it all?  likely chemo and or radiation.

and, while no two cancers and treatments are the same, i couldn't help but loop to my Grandmother's battle.  i just can't go there yet.

as we hung up the phone, i thought there was no way i could fall asleep after receiving such news.  but, before i knew it, tess was crying, and i was to my feet before i had opened my eyes.  then, my mother's words rang out again: i have cancer.  no way.  i just didn't believe it.  i thought maybe i had dreamed it - enough that i opened up my text from her and saw her simplistic You busy?  it was real.  this fog was so thick and so heavy.  the words kept ringing out, but the tears never came.  i went about my day, thinking of my mother, walking around her new home, going about her day as if it were any other day.

but, this isn't just any other day.  this day, the 17th of july, will forever be marked in our family.  we met for dinner at nana lynn's new place (yes, she's finally moved in!) and had the first of many joint dinners to be had.  after the plates were empty and the boys had retreated to comfier seats, lynn emerged with a pink fleece blanket.  specifically, one with certain pink ribbons.  my mom and lynn had a moment, but the entire night, that was the only mention of the reality of her new life.

the next morning, the tears came.  i woke up crying.  ben left later than usual, only to return soon after with a steaming latte for me.  more tears.  he hugged me, and sweetly said, we'll get through this.  still tears.  talking with my mother soon after, we both had tears saturating our conversation.  and naturally, right now.

how can this be real?

i can't stop thinking of that blanket.  my mother is now in that club - that pink ribbon club.  i mean, it's not easy to say those ribbons haven't affected you on some level... don't you know a lady to have battled breast cancer before?  {ugh, i said it.  breast.  cancer.  breast cancer!}  we probably all do.  but on this level, this close?  lynn is a survivor, but i didn't know her back then.  so oddly enough, it hasn't impacted me like it does now.  does that make sense without sounding insensitive?  i'm struggling with my clarity.  i was hoping that by putting my thoughts to the keys, i'd make sense and process this information, but i'm feeling like i'm paddling with one oar; around and around, going nowhere.

send my mother a prayer, a positive vibe, a hopeful wish - whatever you do when you feel weak and need some strength.  maybe add me, as well.