thinking back

a few days into our parenting

two christmases later

man, it's hard to get anything done when it's so incredibly nice outside!  jack and i have been taking full advantage of this amazing sunshine: daily walks/runs, playing in the backyard, hiking... i can't wait until we can take him out on the river and watch him with his first salmon.  

on thursday, we were walking down knik, when i saw a big dodge drive by with a familiar fat head hanging out the window - a bulldog!  this bully could have been kage's brother.  he (or she) had a similar spot on his head, big flappy gums and the classic bulldog smile.  it got me thinking about how much our life has changed in just a few years.

i still remember that sunday when ben asked me what do you want to do today?  we had only been dating a little over a month, but we had already been talking about starting a family.  a furry family.  ben made a phone call while i got ready and within a few hours, i was holding our soon-to-be.  he was incredibly shy, would barely leave the breeder's side, but quickly warmed up to me, cuddling in my lap.  it was truly love at first sight.  when we came back to pick him up, he was pretty weary of ben, but within a few hours at home, snuggling, we were all incredibly happy and content.  

i still have such a hard time believing how kager's life unfolded and being ok (?) with his untimely ending.  we always envisioned him with a little boy at his side, hanging off his strong body, playing with his flappy pig ears and snoozing in front of the tv.  i guess now all these dreams belong in the paws of bella.  

friday, found us in anchorage, visiting the cemetery.  i know some people are bothered by them or do not hold a connection to their loved ones there, but i really do.  i visited grandma there with grandpa by my side, bring her flowers on a regular basis.  once it was too difficult for grandpa jack to join me, i continued my visits alone.  there's actually something very comforting being able to talk freely, cry freely and feel freely when you're "alone."  i think back to conversations with my grandmother and most of them were rather quiet.  we didn't feel the need to constantly carry the conversation with endless chatter.  certain glances were all that needed to be said.  she was always incredibly honest even if it were something i didn't want to hear.  it's so hard to believe she's been gone nine years.  nine years!  my life has done a complete 180 since we had our last face-to-face convo!  she would be so happy at how everything has fallen exactly where it was supposed to.