balance.

so, i didn't make it. nearly, but not quite enough.

the idea of a 365-day challenge was immense - i knew that going into it - but i really wanted to, well, challenge myself. mostly, i posted images from two to three weeks past at a time; rarely, was i able to post weekly. but, i was shooting, and i believe that was the point.



i do miss it. gave me {even more of} a reason to pick up my camera and snap away. these days though, i have people calling, requesting that i pick up my camera - which, is INCREDIBLE, but it doesn't leave much time for me-stuff. i miss that.

2014 was an eye-opener for business-related-stuff. i'm thankful and have enjoyed all the families and new friends i met along the way. i hope 2015 has more of that goodness!

but with all good and great things, there needs to be balance. so this puppy, this blog, got pushed to that ol' back burner, neglected, and that makes me rather sad. i miss writing. i miss the wee-late hours, one leg tucked beneath, other knee up to my chest, hunched over the keys, earbuds just barely turned up... balance. it's a must.

here are some highlights from the end of the year.

october

 jason mraz + raining jane at benaroya

 november in our backyard

 december ON reflections lake

going forward, here's to once a month blogs...

[update]

it pains me, practically daily, when another one passes that i don't have the time (or stamina) to sit down and spill my thoughts.  i know there's a few of you who read and enjoy my blog, but i have to selfishly say i mostly do this for me.  i don't always get a word in when i'm surrounded by my loving extroverts so i rely on the ol' trusty blog to help me work through my whirlwind of thoughts.

it's been weeks since my last post.  i don't need to apologize or say i've been busy.  that's a given.  actually, you'll never find me apologizing because the only person i'm hurting by the lack of posts is myself.

i have been increasingly busy, but what does that actually mean?  everyone is busy.  everyone is going.  work, school, partners, children times two and three, groceries, bills, vacations, hobbies - we're all filling our lives to the tippy-top with activities that keep us from any down time.

this past week, i finally finished sewing projects that i began this spring.  yep, nearly nine months ago.  instead of focusing on how long it took to complete, i'm focusing on the wonderful feeling of having a sparse sewing table - one that i can actually see the bare surface!

also this past month, i launched my super-official Facebook photography page.  i was dragging my feet because my webpage is not a-go, just yet, but i figured why not?!

i'm having a blast doing something just for me.  my first full day of shooting, i couldn't wipe the smile off my face.  i love capturing people and landscapes and all that falls between the two subjects.  check me out!  you don't have to have a Facebook page to view:

https://www.facebook.com/naturalphotographyak

i've gone on-location, visited lovely people in the hospital.  i've gone to homes and even - drumroll, please! - used my studio.  feels so surreal to finally have that space to myself.  i really could not be happier.  well, no - i could if i was shooting more - but there are not enough hours and days in the week!  dearest husband is still working 6 days a week and that leaves me one measly day.  you can imagine that he actually wants to see me too, not just the other half of me he sees in our children!

balance.

it's such an act, at times!

bless him and our children for allowing me to be me.  it's amazing how a few hours away give me the boost and recharge to be a better mama and wifey.  it doesn't take much.  it's funny though; i miss them like crazy when i see other people's tiny humans.  i giggle thinking, my dylan does that exact same nose wrinkle or oh, she's a little cranky like tess used to be.  tess.  tessie baby.

my chubby little sweet pea is approaching the 9-month birthday.  here, it crawled along those first few months, and now, it's just flying by.  she's so damn cute and squishy.  she's squeezing into 18-month clothes.  ugh, i hate to even write that!  her wrists barely push through the arm holes!  her cheeks are in the stretch mark zone, i'm sure.  she has 4 teeth, and she's crawling all over the place.  every day, the kids and i joke that we lose her in the house.  where my other two were like puppy dogs on my heels, she feels free to roam about.  and, she's fast!  just tonight, i was ducking in and out of rooms and hallways, trying to find her.  (i did.)  she eats everything and a lot of it, but i think that goes without saying…  she pulls herself up, stands at the sofa or against the mirror in her bedroom.  dare i say she'll be walking soon?

need for a transition?  i guess this is a lousy one, but -

we take the good with the bad.  always.  that's life.

my momma.  {i think it's no coincidence that i'm choosing tonight to catch up on my blog.}  she goes in for her final surgery in the morning.  reconstruction.  new boobies!  (she'll likely not appreciate that last remark, but hey, who doesn't like boobies?!)  love you, wittle momma.

she couldn't have had a better cancer experience, really.  her initial surgery was long but was a success. her labs came back clear or negative - or actually, POSITIVE! - because the surgeons removed all traces of nasty cells.  she didn't have to do radiation or chemo, and she even tested negative for the breast cancer gene.  truly, a miracle in my eyes!  i am so proud of her.  she was diligent with physical therapy.  i could see great physical changes that were making her happy, as well.  so, one more surgery, and we'll put this cancer behind us.

yes, we were blessed with tess anne, but other than that, i'm ready to say so long, farewell to 2013!

i found these sweet thangs, snoozing nose-to-nose in a very rare moment.  happened to have my camera at arms reach and was able to fire off a shot - waking him no-less, but anything for the perfect little keepsake.

mom(ents)

mom.  moments.  mom{ents}.  i think i'm clever.

the night before her big surgery, i wanted to capture "her" before.  think of it like you would a maternity session.  only, i wasn't capturing a belly.  hey - you never know if you'd want pictures of what you looked like before!  so, just in case, she has these to reflect on.  sure, it's just for her scrapbook, but sometimes, that's all that matters.  if it's important to you, it's important to document.  and, we're visual people; it just made sense.

while i can't exactly show all the images, i can share some of the sweeter ones.  oh, and it's not just you - she IS glowing.

i'm thankful for mark, grabbing my camera.  i'll cherish these (and all the others) for the rest of my lifetime.

surgery.

{started this post on thursday afternoon...}

i can't believe i'm saying this, but the surgery is OVER.  it seemed like it took forever to get here, and now, we're day 2 post-op.  whew!

l  o  n  g  yesterday.  gramma d had to be at the hospital by 6:30 am, so who knows what time they were out the door.  surgery didn't begin until after 12, when it was supposed to begin at 11...  surgeon #1 spent about 2 hours per breast, removing.  surgeon #2 took over after that, inserting the expanders that will stay in place until (likely) december.  saline will be pumped monthly (?) to slowly get to the size she desires.  another long process.  all in all, just over 6-hours, total surgery time.

last night, ben, jack, tess and i arrived at the hospital around 7 pm.  jb was very shy and cautious of his gramma, all hooked up, tubes everywhere, countless bracelets and bandages - but that was what we wanted - him to see gramma in a "fragile" state so he gets that he can't be super-wild-crazy jack when he's visiting over the next month.  anyway, tess almost made it to see gramma but conked out right as she was being wheeled into her room.

we didn't stay long; just enough to put my mind at ease, comfort mark (who had been alone at the hospital all day) and say good night, and of course, smooch my brave momma's face.

i posted the rainbow picture on facebook, but i had to share it here.  ben and jb were on a tour of gramma d's floor as we were waiting for her to be released from recovery.  they rushed back to the room to show us the beautiful gift from God.  whatta great sign after such a long day.      
 

the next morning, (thursday) after dropping jb off at school, dylan, tess and i drove in for a quick visit.  again, being out of touch, seeing her in person was the only way i could rest easy.  she looked so much better than the night before:  color was back to her face, not as groggy, voice not as raspy, hey - she was even sitting up!  dylan wasn't nearly as shy as jb, wanting to snuggle with gramma.

so, not only are we blessed having auntie connie here, but my big bro came to visit, too!  i don't know what i would do if the roles were reversed; i'm sorry for him being far away, but i'm thankful he was able to visit - even if it was just a blink of a trip!

do they look like father-daughter or what?!

thank you SO MUCH for all well wishes and prayers.  means a lot!

and sometimes life is REALLY hard.

invasive lobular carcinoma.  that's the kind of cancer that his rudely moved in on my mom's left side.  the audacity, really!  so, we've had some weeks of waiting, and oddly enough, it's been quietly in the back of my mind.  but, with surgery next week, i'm starting to feel the rise of panic in my chest.  sleepless nights.  staring into space.  even now, trying to rattle off the thoughts in my head have me at a loss for clarity.  life is hard; have i said that enough in 2013?!

we talk about this cancer shizz as if it's just every day news.  this is happening and then that, and we need to get such and such but not before blah happens.  then i fall into bed at night, and i can't believe this is actually our new reality.

surgery is scheduled for wednesday and should last 6-8 hours - that's a work day!  she'll stay the night in the hospital, and from there, it's couch city for about a month.  medicine pumps, dressings & drains, long snoozes, movies and gossip magazines, eating in bed, pedicures... i plan to pay her back for my bed rest stint!  ...hardly.

after the paragraphs above, i had to press save and put mac to sleep for a bit.  sitting here this morning, i'm grieving for a girlfriend that lost her brother AND her husband in a plane crash.  just last night.  in fact, while our family was together, laughing it up at the fair, making memories, she had likely heard that their plane was missing.  her loved ones inside.

names were released this morning.  my heart bends for her and her sweet little boy.  losing a sibling is unimaginable.  losing a spouse is something ben and i morbidly talk about often no, i wanna go first - no, i'm first! ok, fine, let's go at the same time.  but, our banter back and forth is said with smiles and long, dreamy gazes into each other's eyes.

i'm feeling huge amounts of sadness and pain for their families.  her brother was a new father, her husband, also a father and dearly loved son.  lynn is close friend's with his mother.  this just hits all sides.

so as we're preparing for my mother's surgery, it's just surgery.  she has cancer, but she's not gone.  kinda puts things in perspective.  i've been walking around in a daze, stunned that this surgery is upon us, and now, something really tragic is in front of us.

life is so unfair, at times.  this is why it's so important to be kind to each other.  favorite recent quote:

"let us be kind, one to another, for most of us are fighting a hard battle."   

- ian mclaren

sticks & stones

i've slowly started opening up to people: my mom has breast cancer.  every time those words leave my mouth, i'm stunned - just like those receiving my information.  i told a close friend today, and she had no words - just red-rimmed eyes that quickly filled with tears.  she's one of my closest friends, i've seen her every week since we all found out, and yet, i just couldn't tell her.  maybe i was afraid to hurt someone with these simple words.  and how ironic, we're brought up singing

sticks and stones may break my bones

but words will never hurt me

and now, that couldn't be further from the truth.  i want to be able to share, to have someone to lean on, but now i see how it pains people.  i can see myself relying more on these keys than the walking-talking.  for me, it's always been easier this way.

we know more but not much.  MRI last week.  her other side is now suspect and a second biopsy was done on monday morning.  awaiting results.  the weeks fill up with appointments and call-backs from doctor's offices.  my head is swimming and spinning.

this past weekend, i spoke to my oldest and dearest friend from my school days.  his mom battled and won, just a few years back.  he shared a quote that i'm sure will become my mantra through this journey

panic in sequential order    

right?!  every time my mind starts to race and worry and freak out about events that have yet to occur, i repeat this.  (usually followed by prayer!)  one day at a time.  maybe i should back it up to one hour at a time...

  

progress

so this has happened this many times.  oh, and one more time today, but i failed to capture it.  tess, falling asleep on her own, without a certain something smashed up against her face.  this is progress, right?

and, we lucked out - she stopped the nightly colic crying whenever i stated in one of my last posts.  i guess i was right; she started early and ended early.  i couldn't imagine her doing that into her 4th month.  feeling entirely blessed she has figured that one thing out.  now, if we could only move her into her beautiful bedroom...

i've decided (haha) that once she's able to self-sooth (i.e.: suck her thumb/fingers or replace a fallen-out pacifier) that she'll be handed an eviction notice.  this co-sleeping is insane.  now, i have learned my lesson on judging others, and if this is something you enjoy and have done it, i praise you for your willingness and ability to weather through.  but, this is sooo not for me.  i like my sleep.  i like my space.  i like sleeping on my belly.  therefore.  i miss my {sound} sleep.  i miss my personal bubble space.  i miss sleeping on my belly.  many things to look forward to in the months ahead.  until then, i am savoring the smell of baby hair with every inhalation.  the sound of her rooting.  her sweaty palm gripped on my v-neck tee.  her pacifier sucking is rather maggie simpson-esque.  and of course, the cooing and smiling i wake to each morning.  one day, before i know it, i'm sure i'll be pleading with her to snuggle me.  one day...

one of my mother's friends (but i'm sure we'd be friends, too) bought this adorable outfit for tess.  cupcakes, tutus, pink, bunnies - what isn't to LOVE!  so if you're reading this, jen, this collage is for you!  thank you!

  
more along the lines of progress - i finally got my act together and mailed tess' announcements - yay, me!  my girlfriend kayt of http://www.KAYTJOYCEDESIGN.com designed these fun announcements.  i'm so thankful for her patience, ability, artful eye, desire and understanding - thank you, sweets!  i mailed them last week, but if you're not on my holiday card mailing list, leave me a comment with your addy!  the back of the announcement is full of cute pictures as well.

lastly, dylan got the boot - she's now out of my hair the house on fridays with her brother.  big girl!  with jb starting school in the fall, i wanted them to attend together, if only for a few months.  she was incredibly excited.  the kids wore their matching muppet t-shirts and brown bottoms (skirt for her, shorts for him) and happily carried their skip-hop lunch totes (jb has the monkey, she picked her owl).  dyl only fussed briefly, but i think it had more to do with not being able to eat her lunch as soon as we walked in the door.
 

spring clean

can i call it spring?  we set a new record for longest snowfall, a nearly 60-year record at that.  i'm totally not proud of this sort of record.  disgusted, rather.  on saturday, when we were getting dumped on, i was a click away from alaskaair.com.  i was sooo ready to hop a flight - anywhere!  but, sunday came and the snow went.  now, we've had blue skies and warmth behind the sunny-sun.  i've been in tank tops; the kids already have some pink on their cheeks; and ben's working on his sunglass tan lines... bring on summer!

you'd think this would have left my system after the baby did... more nesting.  but, in my defense, i was robbed of those last few weeks and the weeks in between.  baby tess' room was never finished and because we didn't know she was a she, i had my rubbermaid totes of jack and dylan's baby clothes, just taking up space.  6 totes to be exact.  plumb-full of teeny tiny clothes.  some small enough to slip on a man's foot.  oh, they're so wittle!  you kinda forget how small they are (until you're pushing one out...) and then before you know it, they have triple-chins, and their wrists look like they're hiding rubber bands.  starfish hands and double-dimpled elbows.  ugh.  totally delicious.

with anticipation of my cousin coming to visit, i wanted to clean up tess' room so sammi had a place to sleep (since tess and i are still doing the co-sleeping insanity-dealie).  i separated out the girly clothes from boy clothes - pinks and yellows into the closet, trucks and puppy dogs into my largest tote - those boy clothes are headed south to a super-deserving and loved friend who is expecting a boy in september.  i admit, i was a little teary-eyed to say bu-bye to jackie's baby clothes, but nothing excites me more than knowing my girlfriend's little boy will be sportin' his duds.  after all the clean up, i had an overflowing tote for her, one tote of my favs that i just couldn't part with and five empties to return to the crawl space.    

fast-forward to this morning, i spent jackie's school day between the crawl space and the great room.  tote after tote, eight totes in all, of MY old clothes.  i guess i got to thinking - why am i holding onto these things?  when am i ever going to wear these things again?  mostly, i came across work clothes, dressy-type tops and bottoms from my office, high-heel days.  oh, those are long gone!  if i can't wear my smartwool socks or the shoe's not waterproof, forget it!  

it was a morning of walking through the 2000's, even some high school clothes.  wow.  remember wearing overalls?  i had two pairs.  doc martens?  i was so bold.  abercrombie & fitch?  goodbye.  i did put aside my soccer memories:  the cleats i wore in my last game, my nike shinguards, jerseys from my select teams.  it's hard to let go of some things, despite the pain from the memories.  other things?  a cinch to toss in a pile - a top from a first date, a dress from high school graduation, an outfit from an interview, a flannel from a sadie hawkins dance - like i said, a walk through my old life.  pre-kids, pre-benji.  a really odd concept!  none of it made sense to keep, almost like holding onto the past - and for what reason?  i'm happy to donate these countless pounds of clothes, and i wish them all the best in their new future closets.

and, what spring clean would be complete without the 6-month teething cleaning?!  i sooo enjoy taking the kiddos in.  it's humorous to hear (and watch!) their conversations while dealing with strange instruments in their mouths.  jackie was very polite, throwing out pleases and fank yous without being prompted.  dylan was little miss shy but so cooperative.  miss kathy asked her to open her mouth real wide, and dylan just that, including her hand open wide - see?  silly thing!

8 weeks.

baby tess is 8 weeks today!  the good news is that everyone was right - she just needed time.  but oh, aren't we so used to getting what we want, when we want it?!  our society sets us up for failure from the get-go.  in so many ways, i had all the tools at my disposal but none of them were the right fit for her.  (and in actuality, nothing was.)

the hardest aspect of this entire baby number three experience is being unable to soothe and comfort my own child.  this is round 3 for me.  i should know what i'm doing.  i should be able to calm her down and figure out WTH she needs.  but.  you know how sometimes (and i'm speaking mostly to my female peeps) you just need a good cry?  somehow, that clears your mind?  well, obviously baby tess needs a good (ok, awful) cry every night.  hey, just go with me here...  i'm happy to announce that two outta three nights this week she has been calm and happy and cooing and smiling.  i kept waiting for the tears, and they never came!  i'm praying she's turning a corner.  that long, never-ending, winding, blind-where-you-can't-see-around, corner.  baby {tess} steps.

this is about THE best:  smiling.  isn't it what we just strive for, since they're born?  ohmygoodness.  those first big grins just about knock me off my feet.  she was smiling for gramma a few weeks ago, and she was smiling at my you-know-whats during feeding, but i had yet to see her smile, an intended-for-me smile.  THUD.  yep, that's me on the floor.

 oh fan, i wuv you.

 but alas, not all times are joyous...

last saturday was gorgeous.  we met up with friends for an early walk, as benji had to put in some hours at work.  although, that didn't stop us from playing outside ALL DAY.  the fun continued when dada returned home, as jb begged him to ride his four-wheeler.  he's getting a little too comfortable, these days.  but oh - it's so fun to watch him grow and learn and do his own thing.  i'm sure dylan would love the chance to zoom! around our island, but for now, she's limited to a different kind of four wheels...

one of the first pictures - since her birth - of me and my THREE children.  it's kinda hard to believe.  still.  even with tess and her very known presence, it's a little surreal to say i have all these kiddos constantly vying for my attention.  some days i feel like i'm barely staying afloat, but other days, like today - i'm blogging, i'm freshly showered, my hair is dried AND flat-ironed, i have a full tummy, and i'm hydrated!  what?!  life seems practically normal.  eeek!  did i just put that out there?!  they do say bad things come in three's:  we battled the stomach bug around week 4; week 7 was mastitis for mama, and now - what's next?!  c'mon, universe!  give it to me!

i know everyone looks at jb and sees a mini-ben, but let me just say that duey is very much ben's mini.  attitude, spunk, spirit, tenacity, wild-side, craziness... yep, she is ALL her dada's girl. 

6 weeks.

i wasn't sure if we'd make it this far.  well no, i knew we would, but my outlook was bleak.
  

it's incredible what lack of sleep will do to you.  

i was at a real low when i should have been at an all-time high.  i mean, the first few days postpartum, you're elated with this new being you've created.  disbelief.  astonishment.  ooey-gooey drippy baby love.  but.  then the lack of sleep kicks you in the arse.  and, when was my last shower?  my teeth feel like they're wrapped in sweaters, and i'm sticky from my boobs to my bellybutton from leaking breast milk.  hungry.  did i mention sleep deprived?  changing so many diapers and washing hands that your knuckles are white with dryness.  ugh.  who knew being a 3rd time mama would be so incredibly exhausting?!

i don't remember the last time i've seen so many tears.  me and tess.  she started this colic-nonsense just before week 2.  was not expecting that.  when you can't soothe your baby, you kinda feel like a failure.  add to it that the big kids were getting a little neglected by mama, and the whole house seemed to be breaking at the seams.  i thank God and say my prayers every night for my mother and my husband.  if benji wasn't so understanding, so patient and so loving, i don't know how i would have weathered this storm.  my mother has been over every morning to either snuggle baby tess or help me play man-to-man defense against the big ones.  so blessed.     



was i wrong to think this was going to be easy?  ok, yes.  i never thought it would be easy, but i certainly didn't think it would be this hard.  i wasn't expecting baby 3 to be so entirely different from my other two.  i didn't realize how unbelievably chill jb and dyl were!  they were content little things.  happy to sleep in their own cribs from day one; swing throughout the day; feedings here and diaper changes there.  baby tess?  oh.  my.  word.  she is like a whole other creature!  needing to be held 24/7.  has never slept in a crib or the pack-n-play that was next to our bed.  has slept every night of her 6 week life either next to me or on me - hello, i thought i was done being pregnant!  i really think she would just rather climb back up inside...  and diapers?  she doesn't do a drop of pee in her pampers.  it's borderline ridiculous.  

i will say, it's getting better.  she's getting better.  we're having longer stretches of sleep (see: 3-4 hours at a time rather than 1.5 hours) and she's tolerating the swing for her late morning nap.  thank God.  truly.  i can actually complete a load of laundry (i washed the same load 3 times before my mom just took on the laundry task, too) or take a shower (and shave BOTH legs) or even snuggle a big kid (yes, please!).  and, her nightly (colic) crying is less and less.  i'd like to think the chiropractic worked or maybe it is the essential oils and the infant massage techniques.  or maybe it's my prayer for her calm and comfort.  but, it's likely just time.  

6 weeks.  feels like it's been as long as our winter... (it was snowing yesterday.)  today, she weighed in at 12.2 pounds and her head measured 15 1/4 inches round.  i don't know what that means, but it was one of the measurements peggy recorded.  actually, it means she's growing.  yes.  she's extremely chubby with rolls upon rolls on her arms and back.  and legs.  and, she's working on a terrific double-chin.  yum.  

the kids are so in love with her.  every morning, dylan wakes to tell me i yike my baby seester.  every morning.  jb has this wonderful baby voice he uses to greet tess each a.m.  hiiiyeee, baby test.  he adores her, and vice versa.  he's the ultimate soother, really.  he's got down the ssshhhing and pleads to hold her throughout the day.  i couldn't be more happy at the big kid's take on baby tess.  what a relief.  

 so much love between them ♡