6 weeks.

i wasn't sure if we'd make it this far.  well no, i knew we would, but my outlook was bleak.
  

it's incredible what lack of sleep will do to you.  

i was at a real low when i should have been at an all-time high.  i mean, the first few days postpartum, you're elated with this new being you've created.  disbelief.  astonishment.  ooey-gooey drippy baby love.  but.  then the lack of sleep kicks you in the arse.  and, when was my last shower?  my teeth feel like they're wrapped in sweaters, and i'm sticky from my boobs to my bellybutton from leaking breast milk.  hungry.  did i mention sleep deprived?  changing so many diapers and washing hands that your knuckles are white with dryness.  ugh.  who knew being a 3rd time mama would be so incredibly exhausting?!

i don't remember the last time i've seen so many tears.  me and tess.  she started this colic-nonsense just before week 2.  was not expecting that.  when you can't soothe your baby, you kinda feel like a failure.  add to it that the big kids were getting a little neglected by mama, and the whole house seemed to be breaking at the seams.  i thank God and say my prayers every night for my mother and my husband.  if benji wasn't so understanding, so patient and so loving, i don't know how i would have weathered this storm.  my mother has been over every morning to either snuggle baby tess or help me play man-to-man defense against the big ones.  so blessed.     



was i wrong to think this was going to be easy?  ok, yes.  i never thought it would be easy, but i certainly didn't think it would be this hard.  i wasn't expecting baby 3 to be so entirely different from my other two.  i didn't realize how unbelievably chill jb and dyl were!  they were content little things.  happy to sleep in their own cribs from day one; swing throughout the day; feedings here and diaper changes there.  baby tess?  oh.  my.  word.  she is like a whole other creature!  needing to be held 24/7.  has never slept in a crib or the pack-n-play that was next to our bed.  has slept every night of her 6 week life either next to me or on me - hello, i thought i was done being pregnant!  i really think she would just rather climb back up inside...  and diapers?  she doesn't do a drop of pee in her pampers.  it's borderline ridiculous.  

i will say, it's getting better.  she's getting better.  we're having longer stretches of sleep (see: 3-4 hours at a time rather than 1.5 hours) and she's tolerating the swing for her late morning nap.  thank God.  truly.  i can actually complete a load of laundry (i washed the same load 3 times before my mom just took on the laundry task, too) or take a shower (and shave BOTH legs) or even snuggle a big kid (yes, please!).  and, her nightly (colic) crying is less and less.  i'd like to think the chiropractic worked or maybe it is the essential oils and the infant massage techniques.  or maybe it's my prayer for her calm and comfort.  but, it's likely just time.  

6 weeks.  feels like it's been as long as our winter... (it was snowing yesterday.)  today, she weighed in at 12.2 pounds and her head measured 15 1/4 inches round.  i don't know what that means, but it was one of the measurements peggy recorded.  actually, it means she's growing.  yes.  she's extremely chubby with rolls upon rolls on her arms and back.  and legs.  and, she's working on a terrific double-chin.  yum.  

the kids are so in love with her.  every morning, dylan wakes to tell me i yike my baby seester.  every morning.  jb has this wonderful baby voice he uses to greet tess each a.m.  hiiiyeee, baby test.  he adores her, and vice versa.  he's the ultimate soother, really.  he's got down the ssshhhing and pleads to hold her throughout the day.  i couldn't be more happy at the big kid's take on baby tess.  what a relief.  

 so much love between them ♡