at night

oh, the intentions.  oh, the guilt.  lately these days, i think about blogging more than i blog.  obviously, right?  it's hard.  my ME TIME went from 10+ hours a week to, like, null hours a week.  jb no longer attends school for 3.5 glorious hours a day.  he no longer takes naps.  i find myself pleading with him, moments away from falling to my knees, just please lay down and watch a movie, but the kid's a busy-body.  a cute old man once asked him if he swallowed a bunch of worms - and as i was like, whaaa? - he quickly quipped that 'cause you got the wiggles, boy!  yep, makes perfect sense now, and i'm sure my daughter musta been eating off that same plate!

i write blogs in my head as i'm driving.  that fun little voice record on my smart phone?  i use it.  i probably have two dozen voice notes to remind me of funny situations or stories.  i write blogs in my head as i'm trying to fall asleep.  ben thinks i'm an insomniac.  i might be.

like my dear son, i really struggle to just turn IT off at night.  i think about the the things i didn't get done.  i think about raising my voice at child #1 because of pain inflicted on child #2.  i think about a future child #3 and before i get lost in all the giddiness of new baby smell and teeny-tiny digits and eensy-weensy diapers, i suffer a heart flutter thinking of managing 3 miebs children.  i am only one woman.  with two arms.  one frazzled brain.  and one stomach that is always hungry because the first two kiddos constantly eat my lunch over their own.  and it's the same thing!  ok, breathe.

see how that just happened?!  and that's just, like, a few minutes into my thoughts.  can you imagine 20 minutes?  a half hour?  oh, my mind just goes.  i think of new buddy faces.  i think of the fabric bolt i put away but now really wish i would have just bought one yard.  i remember that i cut up the last pink lady apple so i'll need to get to the grocer tomorrow.  then, i try to think of other items i'll need, so i'm not driving to the store, just in search of apples.

so, i start compiling my list.


oh, yep, almost out of dishwasher detergent.  and i need to make sure i buy the gel pacs this time and not those powered-square ones.  the glasses just don't get clean with those ones.  and one aisle over is the dog food, and we're almost out.  then i think, damn, i wish ben would be so sweet to pick up the dog food.  i loathe buying it because then i'm pushing a cartful of miebs, miebs food and a 40 pound bag of beanie food.  then, this is when i give myself a pass for not making it to the gym.  see, i get my work outs in.  but, i should still go.  i like to have toned arms.  i feel so great after running, despite it being on a treadmill.  then, ooh, what music should i listen to next workout: some old fugees or classic eric clapton ala cream.

by this point, i will turn on the television.  i will set my sleep timer for 60 minutes.  i will take off my glasses so i can't see as well.  i'll get outta bed to turn up the fan another click.  this makes the room a touch chilly and also dries out my eyes a bit to where i want to keep them closed.  and as i type this i think why don't i just start out this way?!  and now, i'm chuckling because i realized i've written an entire blog about nothing that i wanted to.  it's been weeks since my last post and this was not at all what was on my agenda.  and when i climb into bed tonight, i am going to be thinking of this as my list is compiled.

until next ME time...