day 53

i recently read an article about living in the past. mourning a loved one, year after year, always "celebrating" their day of passing, and how doing so doesn't allow you to really move on. if i would have read this 5 years ago, i likely would have thrown it in the garbage.

something about this past year or maybe it's watching my children grow, this article resonated with me to my inner core. enough that, i'm still thinking about its words.

today marks 14 years since i watched my grandmother in her final moments. i was 19. has it really taken 14 years to truly move on? do you ever move on? i don't think so. for the longest time, so many years, it just got harder.  not easier as the years passed, but really frickin' harder. i missed her in every milestone. i missed picking up the phone and hearing her soft voice. i missed knowing her house was just a drive across town - so much, in fact, that i had to leave alaska - the one place i had always wanted to be, and now, grief-stricken, had to get the heck out!

but.

you always find your way home.

it's amazing how children can change your perspective. you have to be present. watch me! look at this! see, mama? LOOK! WATCH! (my momma friends get this...) coping with my grandparent's passing, my immense grief, has mostly been this private, dark thing. crying myself to sleep. putting on a brave face. all behind closed doors.  don't let people know! don't let down your guard! if anything, these 3 creations have brought it out of me. we talk about them because as much as their grandparents mean to them, that's where i was at with mine.  even at 6 and (almost) 4, they get it! is it really a shock that they would understand deep love?

that's what it comes down to. love.

i miss my grandparents so much it hurts. but it's that hurt like, uhhh, i just want to share the happiness in my life!  they're missing out! but my faith assures me they do know, and i know they'd be so proud.