let the games begin!

tonight was our first childbirth class at the midwifery. this was ben's first time seeing the place. i have had numerous visits already, so this was his chance to see where our daughter would present herself. we started off the evening with a video. typical birth class video showcasing a few families preparing for the arrival of their first born. we both watched videos like this the first time around, but they had little or no impact on me/us, really. i guess having not experienced it yet, i didn't really know the feelings that would arise. however watching them tonight, i had to look away several times because my eyes just filled up with tears. watching these four families meeting their sons/daughters for the first time brought me right back to that moment of first seeing jack benjamin; holding him and realizing that i never wanted to let him go, in absolutely shock of knowing love at first sight does truly exist, looking at ben and knowing i loved him more then than i did 5 minutes previous. i was completely overcome with emotion tonight! and not just the birth of our soon-to-be but all that leads up to it...

i've always said that if i were dropped off in the middle of an ocean and told to tread water for say, a 2-hour period, i could. no problem. if i were dropped off with the idea of treading until the rescue boat came back, with no time indication, i would likely drown. so with that idea, i did struggle the first time around with letting go of my fear of the length of labor and that jack would be born when he was ready. it was something i really studied (through my choice of hypnobirthing), and i feel i succeeded (not just with him being born) but with feeling like i turned over my body to jack and allowed him to be in control. however, this time around, i feel as though my knowledge of birth and all that goes with it, is actually working against me! i know what to expect. i know how long it can actually be. i vividly remember pushing for 240 minutes! everyone has assured me that labors the second time around last about half the time, but for me, that's still 11 hours of intensity! i guess seeing the video tonight, listening to the midwife talk about the stages of labor, transition in particular, have just really brought this all to life again. hearing it the first time around, you just take it in and know it's all part of it. but having been there already, just a mere two years ago... is it too late to say "i don't wanna!" ??? hahaha

we are both incredibly excited to meet baby girl. we've always said that the only way jack could be cuter was if he had pigtails and by golly, we're about to see! we are praying this baby girl is healthy in every way, maybe even holds the "pass go" jaundice card unlike her big brother. but the one thing we are selfishly hoping for is a snuggler. we have been so robbed of snuggling with jackie that we would both love to have this little girl fall asleep on our shoulders for say like, just 10 minutes a day. every day. or even 7. or 5. i'd settle for 5 minutes of snuggly time a day.

fears or no fears, she is working on making her arrival. i could not be more excited to meet her, see her beautiful face and hold her in my arms. i'm elated to see ben with our daughter. i'm a tad anxious to have jack see and possibly hold his baby sister, but i have every confidence that in time, he'll be a fantastic big brother. so with all that said, the only way for all this to happen is once again release any and all fears that may work against me. that's what these next ten weeks are all about. not just nesting, decorating, and other silly stuff, but really giving myself over to her. letting go. trusting and accepting. all the tactics and cues i studied last time around. the scary stuff from last time is hard to accept but the difference this time around is that i know how incredibly wonderful it all is. my greatest joy in life to date is being a mother, so i know it is all worth it.