first and foremost, our daughter's birth has been on my mind. to the point where, in between bathroom breaks in the middle of the night, i've crawled back into bed and just laid awake, worrying about my upcoming feat. my last post, i delved into all the thoughts surrounding labor. i think back to jackie, i was so incredibly calm and secure about what was in store for me. the unknown was intimidating and yet, i felt so prepared and confident because of everything i had learned, read and knew about myself. this time around, i think my biggest problem is that it's just crept up on me! since i found out i was pregnant with jack, i had my nose in anything pregnancy-related. i must have read a dozen or so books during my pregnancy, all about pregnancy and birth. i read and reread my hypnobirthing book 3 times; i mean, i breathed, slept and ate pregnancy! this time around, life has been a tad busier (as if working full time, school part time and building a house wasn't busy!?) but with jack.... oh, boy. i don't even have bathroom breaks as a way for myself, so you can imagine how easy it is to get some alone time to read. these past weeks however, i've really turned my attention to me. the tv is off (except of course of tuesdays when biggest loser is on!) and sewing projects have been put on hold. i pulled out all the papers from our hypnobirthing class and have made my way through the first half of the book. the cds play while we're having breakfast, and i kind of get the feeling that jack remembers them. he tends to get pretty quiet and content rather than his excited and hurried self in the morning. i even uploaded the cd to my itunes so i can listen while i'm walking. quite nice.
for most people, they hear hypno-anything and don't know how to react. or, they don't know how to control the look that appears on their face! i won't get too preachy, but i will say just a few things. all hypnosis is self-hypnosis. so what i learned before, wasn't something that was done to me. ben wasn't taught these crazy tactics to have control over me or anything ridiculous like that. it's not any sort of brain-washing or out-of-this-world-type anything. the few examples that i find most helpful are: you know when you're driving down the road and you're so deep in thought that you have that moment of "woah, how did i get this far?" or when you're watching a movie/tv and you're so into the programming whether you're crying or so captivated you can't be interrupted by the phone that's been ringing? those are forms of hypnosis. i once heard someone say they didn't like the idea of hypnobirthing because people can tend to not remember what they are going through. let me just say that the hypno part of it is what allows you to effectively weather the labor part of the birthing. and as far as when you're child actually emerges, the body's endorphins will never be as high. true. so the idea of not remembering something so incredible, so life-changing? not possible. to quote the book "hypnobirthing allows for the body to work at its own pace and facilitates easier birthing by using relaxation and visualizations to speed the release of endorphins and effect an even shorter labor." i can't say i fell into that shorter labor category with jack, but i will say (and ben agrees) that once i surrendered to labor, totally giving myself over, letting my body take control, jack was born. hypnobirthing isn't a cookie-cutter tool for labor; you take the bits and pieces that you think will work for you. i used the affirmations, the 2 out of 3 types of breathing and the visualizations. i will use them again for our daughter.
another factor that has got me completely in the right frame of mind is a dvd. it's called "the business of being born." it has been out for several years, and i can't believe i haven't seen it before now! everything i have felt and believed was backed up by this movie! i have been so alone in my thoughts surrounding birth and what i feel this experience should be, and it was so incredibly amazing to watch this and feel like "yes! this is what i've been saying!" the documentary is so inspiring, especially for us women in america.
living with fear has got to be a thing of the past. if i were one to make new years resolutions, this would be it. i have spent the better part of my relationship with ben being fearful of losing him. not only is his job dangerous but on a staggering level. (ex: back in the spring, msn.com released the top 10 most dangerous jobs and his was like 6 or 7. he exclaimed, "oh, that's not bad!" and i snapped back, "it'd be better if it wasn't even on the list!") and if it's not enough to worry about him for his 10-12 hour days, i then move on to worry about him with his hobbies; getting mauled by animals, the small planes he flies in, snowmachine accidents, the weather... gosh, you name it! alaska is beautiful, but her elements tend not to be very forgiving. talking with my aunt several months ago, she practically pleaded with me to stop spending my life this way. she said she was in a similar frame of mind when my uncle spent half his year working on the slope. i can't remember what she said changed in her life to make her stop, but i realize it is no way to live.
i watch as my husband is one of the most care-free and easy-going people i've ever met. you mess with his family and that's a whole other thing, but besides that, he is so laid back. it's one of many qualities that attracted me to him. he's positive, upbeat, smiley! and you can pretty much count on him to say something that will turn your day around if it's been one of those. i read about the devastation and watch what i can stomach, but haiti - oh my goodness. and yet, i could spend my days worrying about something like that happening here. but you just can't. so on that note. i just can't worry about what might happen. the biggest thing for me (with the upcoming birth) is to trust my daughter and my body. in my daily life, i trust that my husband is safe and that when he says he's always thinking about his family before he attempts to cut a corner. i trust in God that he knows what he's doing, even when we can't make sense of it at the time. that's possibly one of the hardest things to do, but He always prevails.
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