this is hard. have i said yet? maybe i think i've connected more because i compile notes daily in my iphone for what to blog about. but. it's hard to type while laying on your side. my shoulder gives way long before my fingers and mind. so then, i end up typing with one hand, click-click-click. i take a break and before i know it, another day has passed. this little bit of writing here has been over a 4-day period! you'd think with all this extra time i'd be pumping out blog after blog, but i struggle with blogs that don't have pictures. and, considering i'm at my laptop and not my desktop, where all my photo storage and such is, i just feel all outta sorts.
all outta sorts, indeed. this is not what i envisioned for my pregnancy. not really for myself, ever. it's hard to imagine being a mother and then just removing yourself from that equation, right?! my mind wanders to the what-ifs in life, especially the big what-if facing me after this baby is born, as far as my health is concerned. i'm at a crossroads that i haven't been able to really consider or think about because getting through this pregnancy is #1 priority. babies sense when you're stressed, so i've chosen to block out the next phase of my life. but. with it being right around the corner and all the hours in the day to think about it right now, my mind has been buzzing.
when i'm not distracted with "future" thoughts, bed rest is lonely. you'd think with my full house that there wouldn't be time for such a state, but lonely is the best way to describe it. not everyone wants to lay in bed all day. the time it hits me the most is in the evenings. ben and the kids are at the table, usually with my mom and mark, and all the chattering and laughing (and ok, some scolding), it makes me wish for the chaos. instead, i'm surrounded by the begging bulldog. and my crumbs.
on top of bed rest, i'm taking a supplement of herbs to ward of contractions. i'm willing to do anything to keep this precious babe inside until my 37 week (full-term) date. the down side to these two herbs is that i alternate them every two hours, so that really means, i'm taking one of them every hour. as if bed rest isn't just a stop in time, add to it watching the clock to make sure i stay on top of my dosage. insanity.
on top of bed rest, i'm taking a supplement of herbs to ward of contractions. i'm willing to do anything to keep this precious babe inside until my 37 week (full-term) date. the down side to these two herbs is that i alternate them every two hours, so that really means, i'm taking one of them every hour. as if bed rest isn't just a stop in time, add to it watching the clock to make sure i stay on top of my dosage. insanity.
last weekend, day 4 of bed rest to be exact, after tucking the kiddos in and likely doing it 3-4 times, ben peeked his head in the bedroom with an expression (one i didn't recognize) best described as exhaustion or fatigue. he then said to me, "i'm gonna go upstairs and have a little benji time." this was at 8:45 pm, and i didn't see him for the rest of the evening. my husband, the extrovert, loves people, excitement and chaos, and all things busy, had had his fill. never in my nine, going on ten, years of knowing him has he uttered the (well-known phrase to me) ME TIME. all moms know what i'm talking about.
he truly is out of his element. this down time for me has been so extremely hard - for everyone involved - but i think it's been an invaluable learning experience for us as a couple. i am in the role i was meant to be, as ben is in his. the moment i held jack was THE most natural experience of my life - and i was NOT a baby person. but, there's something about holding your child for the first time; it's indescribable, but i knew it was finally where i was to be in this world. a mother. this is not to take away from ben as a father, at all. if you could see him in action... he's so good with the kids. but, around-the-clock, routine, nap time, scheduled meals, activities, dylan's (almost) 3-year-old drama, etc.?! forget it - he's a goer. an on-the-fly guy. very UNscheduled. and, if you've trial and error-learned like myself, you know kids strive off of routine. period.
on the flip side, ben is so incredibly patient. the love that pours out of that dear man, upon seeing and holding his children, brings me to tears. he is an amazing father. i can't believe how lucky we all are to have him as dada and husband. he's been my best friend for close to a decade and daydreaming about our upcoming arrival, i can't imagine sharing that moment with anyone else. he's the first person i want to call when something makes me laugh. he's the last person i smooch at night. he just makes so much sense. he's the brightest spot in every day. i still can't believe how much the heart is capable of loving! thank you, God, for benji!
whew.
have i mentioned how emotional i've been through this pregnancy? if you haven't figured out already... i've cried more in the last nine months than i did combined with my first two pregnancies. crazy. television commercials, children's storybooks, greeting cards, conversations, my own thoughts...
ahhh, one week to go!
he truly is out of his element. this down time for me has been so extremely hard - for everyone involved - but i think it's been an invaluable learning experience for us as a couple. i am in the role i was meant to be, as ben is in his. the moment i held jack was THE most natural experience of my life - and i was NOT a baby person. but, there's something about holding your child for the first time; it's indescribable, but i knew it was finally where i was to be in this world. a mother. this is not to take away from ben as a father, at all. if you could see him in action... he's so good with the kids. but, around-the-clock, routine, nap time, scheduled meals, activities, dylan's (almost) 3-year-old drama, etc.?! forget it - he's a goer. an on-the-fly guy. very UNscheduled. and, if you've trial and error-learned like myself, you know kids strive off of routine. period.
on the flip side, ben is so incredibly patient. the love that pours out of that dear man, upon seeing and holding his children, brings me to tears. he is an amazing father. i can't believe how lucky we all are to have him as dada and husband. he's been my best friend for close to a decade and daydreaming about our upcoming arrival, i can't imagine sharing that moment with anyone else. he's the first person i want to call when something makes me laugh. he's the last person i smooch at night. he just makes so much sense. he's the brightest spot in every day. i still can't believe how much the heart is capable of loving! thank you, God, for benji!
whew.
have i mentioned how emotional i've been through this pregnancy? if you haven't figured out already... i've cried more in the last nine months than i did combined with my first two pregnancies. crazy. television commercials, children's storybooks, greeting cards, conversations, my own thoughts...
ahhh, one week to go!
You are Beautiful Sweet Cheeks! Such an amazing mother figure and example to your peers (aka, me.. I will be emailing and harassing you with all kinds of questions I feel once my mommy time comes) :)
ReplyDeleteAs you know, there is a purpose for all these low times, and lonely times.. hard to except any in the beautiful yet taxing experience of creating a child.. but that's just it.. you are creating a child.. for the 3rd time! Nothing less than miraculous! and honestly I'd consider you a pro. You approach it and parenting with such a loving and open heart, you would do ANYTHING for your family.. and you ARE Doing ANYTHING for them.. That is a beautiful thing. Keep up the good work Momma of 3 to be! Life is beautiful.. even when stuck in bed, you are processing through it wonderfully. And after the new arrival of the new one, it will be a new adventure.. but you love a good adventure right?! It will be filled with soo many smiles, hugs, kisses and love.. just focus on that, and how flipping fabulous it it that you created this beautiful life AND 3 amazing kiddo's.. pretty cool stuff.
your words are so kind, kayt, and mean a lot to me. sometimes, when you're in it, it's hard to see the bigger picture. i mean, i know the bigger picture - it's what's keeping me awake at night, kicking, potty breaks, etc ;) but, most things in life that cause such stress are temporary, but man... life can be hard.
Deletei would be honored to be your sounding board when your time comes! absolutely! and no, you would not be harassing me - i love talking anything pregnancy, labor, birth, baby, nursing! if you're lucky, you get to experience it once, twice, and therefore, as a woman, it should be everything you want it to be!
thank you for all the compliments. i'd hug you if i could!