just like that.

well, this time 4 years ago, i wasn't even half-way through the pushing phase of labor.  pushing.  all that pushing.  it's funny how four years later, i still shudder thinking of jack's labor.  so i find myself, counting down the minutes and hours to jack's actual birth time, not wanting to really celebrate until he officially came into our lives, four short years ago.

though last night, had me thrown for a loop.  i couldn't relive each sensational moment.  past years, on the 24th, i methodically go into ok, at this moment 3 years ago, (2 years ago, etc.) i was at this stage... but i couldn't do that last night.  and, i felt really guilty about it.  i wanted to spend my time into the wee hours replaying every little contraction, the drive into anchorage, checking into the hospital are you sure you're in labor because you're talking just fine... but i was sharing my bed with someone other than the big, beefy man i normally do.  i had another little beefcake, snuggled up to my side, as if she was trying to sleep underneath me.  (why do kids sleep horizontal in bed?  i can count on one hand the times i've slept with each of the kids.  i just don't do it.  i don't like it.  sleep is waaay to precious to me!  bah!)

but last night, dylan decided that jack couldn't have all the glory, he couldn't get all the lovin... the disease finally got the best of her.  i'll leave it at that.  she slept a total of 5 hours last night (but not a nice straight 5 hours) with a wicked fever and rash to go with it.  so, i was occupied with keeping her calm and comfortable.

fast forward to the noon hour and the littlest one is sleeping, the boys (including a super-quick visit from papa frank) went to a movie, and i have found the quiet time i've been needing to reflect on all things jackie b.

of course i had to take a walk down memory lane.  that's just me.  the agony of the 22 hour labor is still in my mind, but as i gaze at the pictures, i just feel an overwhelming sense of love that i never knew existed until i caught eyes with my son.  it still feels like yesterday when he looked up at me.  my mother will remember that forever, i'm sure.  she asked me a question, i responded, and jack turned his head to look at me.  oh, what a wave just rushed over me now!  happy birthday, jackie.  i love you more than you'll ever know.  
 

20 week baby boy

seconds old, jack benjamin

it may not look it, but this was love at first sight

i so remember looking over at my big strong man, 

as a single tear fell from both eyes

 content little-one-day-old-jackie

 and just like that

HE'S FOUR!