tangible nothings.

diamonds.  jewelry.  one is silver and the other's gold.  i'm not materialistic, but i'm extremely sentimental.  i can do without designer handbags and frou-frou anything, really.  i buy my make up from the drugstore and shop for clothes at target more often than my thing-of-the-past obsession with nordstrom.  i crave a nice pedicure, but i enjoy painting my own fingernails.  ben and i's wedding bands are simple circles of gold.  and this girl's best friend?  i'd much prefer a bag of candy to a ring of diamonds.  but.  as a token of my husband's admiration, appreciation or just the good ol' forever-ness of a slap on the rear, he presented me with a beautiful ring of sparkly diamonds shortly after our son made his entrance.

i'll never forget that day.  ben left me in the hospital, 12 hours after giving birth to our son, to go shopping with his mother.  uh, couldn't you just wait a day or 5?  he returned a few hours later, teddy bear under his arm, smirk on his face.  in my mind, i'm thinking, ok, you're sweet to bring me a stuffed animal, but don't you think i'm gonna have my hands full with another type of cuddly creature?  i did my best to smile and graciously accept my new buddy.  he then urged me to open the heart-shaped pillow in the bear's clutches.  ahhh!  enter: pushing present.  and boy oh boy, if anyone ever deserved such a reward, it was me.  just over 4 hours of marathon-intense, completely natural, drug-free, pushing.  sweating, ice chip devouring, pushing.  broken capillaries, blood shot eyes, pushing.  and now, it's gone.

the pushing present

over ten years ago, i joined my mother and grandfather on a shopping trip in search of an anniversary band to commemorate an early 50th wedding celebration.  my grandmother was ill, dying in retrospect, and we knew she likely would not make that october date.  since my grandmother and i wore the same ring size, i had the honor of trying on all the sparkly numbers.  as much input as my mother and i had, this was all my grandfather's doing.  and, he picked a true winner.  stunning.  i wanted it, and i didn't even know i had this urge to wear such pretty pieces on my fingers.  i mean, i preferred my sterling silver claddagh ring!  fast forward many years, and the ring found it's way back to me.  but now, it's gone.

i wore the two together, interchanging them from ring fingers to opposite ring fingers.  i loved them apart, and i loved them together.  my mother presented my grandmother's ring to me shortly before jack was born, and every time i glanced at the ring and twirled it around my finger, i thought how incredible it would be if my grandmother could see me now.  if only i could trade pregnancy stories with her.  if only i could ask her questions about her first birth.  if only i could call her and have her meet me at the hospital.  as silly as it sounds to say that a simple piece of platinum could spark such memories, it's true.  and now, it's gone.  i feel as if i've lost a part of her.  that i've let down her, my grandfather and my mother who handed it over to me.  i feel like a child.  i should be reprimanded.

we've scoured this house; checked places 3, 4 times, hoping the two will magically appear in sight.  jack noticed my gold bands, and said ohh, mama! you found rings! and i had to explain that it wasn't the gold ones that mama was missing.  oh, you mean the ones with sprinkles?  sweet boy.  people have asked if he took them, hid them, and right now, i really hope he does have them!  i just want to know that they're not gone forever.